Breaking News: JP Morgan Chase and Bank of America to Buy the United States!

The Associated Press has just released a stunning news item. JP Morgan Chase and Bank of America, the nation’s last two remaining banks, have tentatively entered into an agreement to buy the United States of America. The transaction includes all federally and state-owned real and personal property, natural resources, and prisons. The contract, however, does not permit the purchase of citizens of the United States, because lawyers feared such a provision would violate the constitutional prohibition of slavery. Both companies, however, expect to hire many U.S. workers to run the government and would likely pay them "slave wages." When asked what this meant, company officials said that "employees would earn the minimum wage." The constitution does not explicitly prevent employers from paying "slave wages."

Another provision would release all incumbent political officials from their respective offices. A source close to the transaction said angrily that "this bunch of yahoos has absolutely no damn business presiding over such a huge and complex economy as the U.S.A." He said that their "mismanagement and shenanigans have landed the country on the ‘clearance’ table at Wal-Mart. Buying it was a no-brainer. It’s a great financial opportunity for us."

One heavily negotiated provision would allow the candidate who wins the upcoming presidential election to serve as president, although the companies expect to refashion the presidency into a symbolic leadership position. A spokesperson for one of the banks who wished to remain anonymous said that the president would "become more like the Queen of England – adored and important – but not having a bit of power over what we say or do."

Both presidential candidates have responded to the shocking news. The Obama campaign said that "Now, as a result of this unprecedented transaction, no one can doubt or deny that if Barack Obama is elected as President of the United States, the presidency and the nation will have changed dramatically. In fact, things will change beyond our wildest expectations."

The McCain team said that "As a former POW and decorated veteran, John McCain is well prepared to guide the country through this difficult period of readjustment." The McCain campaign also said that the "proposed reduction of the president’s role should finally put to rest those nasty fears spread by our opponent concerning Sarah Palin being a ‘heartbeat away from the Oval Office.’"

President Bush has also released a statement responding to the transaction, which his administration reportedly helped negotiate. President Bush says that "I’m outta here anyway, so it don’t mean a hill of beans to me." Bush’s statement also attempts to calm likely anxiety among voters over the idea of two banks owning the country. Bush says that "People need to just relax and get used to it. At this point, these guys own about everything of value in the country anyway, so this is the next logical step." Members of Congress are recuperating from actually having to work last week to complete the bailout negotiations. Consequently, no member of Congress has responded to requests for comments.

Dissenting Justice will have more analysis of the situation as it develops. Although this is a satire, you never know what might happen!